Reader Requests: Breaking up Is Hard to Do

I hope you’ll understand, but today I’m going to put Martha on the sideburner to address a reader request. Read ahead and I’m sure you’ll understand. Someone out there needs some girlfriend help and monogram momma is not about to abandon a fellow mom and heartbroken girlfriend.

Anonymous said:
Have been reading your site for a while and appreciate your humor and dedication to family. I need a little advice...I am also a SAHM, 6 y/o daughter and twin girls who are five (yes, I am busy). Husband has big desk and big job. I rely on friends for support. But I feel two friends slipping away. They socialize without me and the daily phone calls to each other are happening less and less. This is BREAKING MY HEART. I have tried to be subtle in asking if I have offended anyone but they insist nothing is wrong, obviously something is off. I really don't want to lose these friends. I am 41 y/o and true friends are few at this age. Please...send some age advice.


I’ve been thinking about this a lot and really appreciate your question. And candor for that matter. Doesn’t growing up really stink sometimes? And it’s especially hard to maintain close girlfriend relationships especially once we throw a few kids into the mix because life just get so crazy busy. Don’t I know it. It almost makes me think 7th grade catfights and note passing were just a foreshadowing of things to come. I mean, why can’t we all just get along? Why can’t women be nice to one another? I suppose that’s the million dollar question. But I assure you, you are not alone.

About 10 months ago I went through this exact same thing. I mean EXACT. It was devastatingly heartbreaking so I completely know what you are feeling right now. And it makes it so much worse when the friends won’t respect you enough to tell you what is wrong or why they seem to be shutting you out. For nearly a year there were three of us that were inseparable (as were our children), and then all of the sudden, like you mentioned, phone calls were coming to a halt, I was being excluded from things, and Mr. Monogram & I were being excluded from couples get-togethers also with this group. To make matters worse, when I asked one of the girls what was going on and let her know my feelings were really hurt, she just tried to blow it off and make up one lie after another (and I think you know how I feel about lying). That was the other thing. They were not only excluding me, but then lying about what they had done too. Like they were sneaking around. And I suppose that was the party that really hurt the most. Talk about kicking a dog when she’s down!

To me, I look for the same thing in a friend that I would in a mate or someone I would have a relationship with. Honesty, integrity, loyalty, sense of humor, values, someone who’s down to earth, someone who I can respect and will respect me back, someone I can count on, etc. Those things are equally as important and double sided in a friendship I think. I mean, it’s not fair to expect those things of other people if they can’t expect them from you. And if you can’t count on your friends having your back and looking past a few of your imperfections, then really, are they truly your friends? The answer is no. Sometimes it just takes us women a little while to figure that out about people.

So just like breaking up in a relationship deserves an explanation, so does breaking up or severing a friendship. These girls should have enough respect for you to tell you what is wrong. Even if they just want space. They owe that to you as a friend. Wouldn’t you rather know and be hurt than not-know and just continue to be excluded? The pain just drags out forever, like slowly ripping off a bandaid as opposed to just quickly ripping it off. Unfortunately, some people, as was the case with these friends of mine, don’t know how to handle mature adult, friendly confrontation. And instead of being able to talk to me about it and accept their responsibility of how they were mistreating me, they decided to bury their heads in the sand and just avoid the whole situation all together and insist nothing was wrong (yeah, right). After a few whole-hearted attempts on my behalf really honestly talking to one of the girls (the follower, we’ll call her) and getting absolutely nowhere (sure, she would apologize but how sincere is it when she turns around and excludes me and lies to me a few days later and then stops communicating with me?), I just decided that I had to protect myself and my own feelings, and quietly pull myself away and stop calling. Naturally, they never called me either. It was the only thing left to do, since they’d made me feel like they didn’t need my friendship anymore anyway. They had already done an excellent job of pushing me away (not calling, returning calls, or being invited to do things will do that, no?), it’s just that I wasn’t ready to accept it because I really counted and relied on these relationships and wasn’t ready to bid them farewell. If I did that, then it meant I would be alone and lonely again with no *real* local friends and would be right back to where I started when I moved here (which essentially consisted of accosting moms at the park who seemed friendly and had nice children the mini’s ages).

In my case, there was one girl who was the ring leader and the other who you can tell, has never been anything other than a follower her whole life (which is the last thing you could ever say about monogram momma, that’s for sure). Why would that change in adulthood? Well, it doesn’t for those people who can’t seem to think or do anything on their own and always need the approval of someone else. And the “ring leader” gal was the type who is always looking for the next best thing. They type who thinks the grass is always greener on the other side of the mountain, and won’t hesitate to replace a friend if she comes across a newer, shinier, prettier, [skinnier] funnier new model. Oh she’ll do it slowly so you really have no idea what’s going on, as they did this exact same thing to another girl before I came into the mix, but she’ll do it all the same, time and time again. But monogram momma doesn’t work that way! If you’ll remember, I’ve mentioned several times that I’ve got a great group of prep school friends. We’ve been together nearly 20 years now, and in that time, have been through dating, puberty, first dates, heartbreaks, first kisses, tons of groundings from our parents, two parents dying from cancer, college, a divorce, babies, etc. Basically, every single milestone since we were kids, has been shared together and at this point in our relationships, there isn’t anything we can’t say to one another. So knowing that I know how to maintain a lifelong friendship and the fact that these girls really don’t have any friends they’ve kept longer than 4 years, is also something I keep in mind. It’s not my fault. This friendship breakup was not my fault and I did everything I could to save it and talk it out and figure out what went wrong. Some girls, no matter how much we want them to remain our friends and we count on them, and no matter how many fun memories we have together, just don’t know how to maintain a long term relationship with other women and get bored and start looking for replacements. Sad, but true.

I’m not a therapist, so all I can do is tell you my own experiences and how I’ve dealt with it and offer you some advise. You can take it or leave it; the choice is yours. But if you want to save these friendships, then really sit down and talk to them. Don’t step around it on tip-toes and just assume that they know you’re hurt. Really sit down for a girls lunch out without the kids and just tell them sweetly that your feelings are hurt and you want to know what’s going on. Don’t just accept their “oh, don’t be silly, everything is fine!” at face value. Tell them that you respect and value their friendships, and thought that they did too. But that they really need to be able to talk to you about what’s going on so you can move past it. You have to approach it as you would any relationship worthy of saving, and tell them how important they are to you as well. If they are sincere about saving your relationship and nothing being wrong, then they will make an honest effort. Put the ball in their court. Wait and see when they call you after the sit-down conversation. If they were sincere that nothing is wrong, then they will pick up the phone and call you to make the effort. If they still continue hurting you, then maybe it’s time to consider that your friends too, are seeking out a greener pasture, no matter how much that hurts (and believe me, I know how much that hurts, girlfriend).

I don’t know how often you see these girls, but in my case, I have to see these women at pre-school 3 times a week. Ughhh. And while it was very difficult at the beginning of the year, I don’t let it bother me any more because I know that I tried everything I could to save those relationships but got nothing back from them on their end, other than lots of lies and excuses. I don’t have to look down at the ground or off to the left in avoidance when I pass them (nope, I’m holding my head high and looking straight ahead!). And you know what? I’m better than that, and so are you! I know I’m a great friend and I have a lot to offer. I know that I go out of my way to help out my friends and support them, but that I also deserve the same thing in return from people. You have to take care of yourself too, and if you’re not being treated with equal respect and thoughtfulness by these friends, then maybe they aren’t the people you thought they were or are worth staying so hurt over. **Right now Britney Spears’ song “Toxic” comes to mind. **

So what do you do next if they still continue to snub you? Well, you just have to pick yourself up and move on. No matter how bad it hurts-and it will hurt. You have to take the high road and smile and wave when you see them, but still protect yourself and not go out of your way for them anymore. You have to stay tight-lipped about them when you are in the presence of mutual friends, and just continue to plow through life, keeping an open heart for new friends. I was so fortunate to be able to connect and find some really fabulous new friends, that I really enjoy being with, and you will too. And lucky for us, there are also some great books you can pick up too (which I’ve scattered into the post here so go have a look-see at them when you get a chance). So whether you pick these up for yourself or have them drop-shipped to these ladie's houses from Amazon as a little subliminal message (he he he), something in these books I’ve included might also just be what you need.

I don’t know if you read it, but when I was asked about sanity and friendships from The Family Groove, I replied, “I will admit, there are plenty of days I am not quite sane at all. Having two children in a year and a half will do that to you, no? But for me, that's where my friendships come into play and why they are so important. Good friends can tell you you're not alone and let you complain and whine about your lack of sanity and how you accidentally put the milk in the microwave and your keys in the refrigerator. Then they'll come pick up your kids for you while you look for said missing keys and thus give you time to try to regroup and reclaim your sanity (or what is left of it anyway). The playground can be just as difficult and childish for moms as it can be for our kids. Let's face it, the sandbox is a tough place—full of judgmental, cliquey, catty women—so it's often times difficult to find that groove and group of your own, but it's so important. I am so lucky to have a great supportive group of friends, both with and without children to support me, and to support one another.”

So just remember, the playground IS full of cliquey, catty women and you’re not alone in dealing with these issues with other women. And no, unfortunately it doesn’t get any easier as we get older. I don’t know why I ever thought it would, but I sure was under that false illusion. One day, talking to one of my best friends from prep school, Ashley, I was telling her how I felt like I had to let go of a friendship with another girl. I felt so bad about it and it had been coming for years and years, but the bottom line was, it wasn’t a real healthy or honest relationship for me to be in anymore. Meaning, she always had a hard time being honest and always came across like she felt she has to be super competitive with me and my life. And if you’re my friend, then I just don’t care. There’s no competition, we’re friends and equals and you should just not lie to me about things in your life. I don’t care how much your husband makes, nor do I want to talk about it (especially if I know you are lying through your teeth about it too). It just isn’t appropriate. So chatting with Ashley, and telling her it was really hard for me to do this, she said something that made me feel a lot better. She said that she is all about ending bad friendships, and just doesn’t feel bad anymore about having to sever relationships that aren’t giving her anything in return. Life is too short and she’s worth more than that. And she’s right. I shouldn’t feel bad about severing a friendship that is making me feel bad all the time. And you shouldn’t feel bad either, if it’s what you need to feel better about yourself.

Look, I sooooooooooo understand the importance and value you put on your friends as a support system. Mr. Monogram also has a “big desk job” as you put it, and lately he’s been sitting behind said desk for 13-15 hours a day and stuck with that damn cell-phone to his ear all time too. I live in a city with no family either, so I have to rely on my friends a lot of days to give me the interaction and support and camaraderie that I so desperately need. You know the old saying “It takes a Village” and you and I both know, it really DOES take a village to raise children. I hope you can find your “village” and find the resolution and peace with these ladies that you both need and deserve. I really hope it works out and they come around becase I knwo that's what you want. Good luck, and if you ever want to chat more about what you’re going through, always feel free to email me because I have been there before, and I’m sure I’ll be there again.

P.S. Tomorrow we're jumping right back into creative crafty things and preppy projects so start your engines!