08 March, 2007

WARNING: Celebrity Snarkiness Ahead!

I realize it’s been a while since I’ve gotten a little snarky here at Monogram Momma's and talked about some random stuff. So you just happen to be in luck because today is the day I’ve decided to get a few things off my chest. You were probably all starting to wonder if I’d lost my sense of humor while sitting out in the freezing cold registering for pre-school last week. So let me reassure you, that I have not. Now, let me preface and say that I realize these are not earth shattering discussions such as Global warming, VP Dick Cheney or even the fact that today is Osama Bin Laden’s birthday (he is only 50, but I can’t help but wonder why he looks about 70). But none-the-less, in my celebrity gossip loving world, these things are really bothering me as of late.

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen: Can someone please tell me why these two always suck their cheeks in when they’re being photographed? It only makes them look worse. Is that supposed to be sexy? Ditto on the bag lady look they are sporting. Let me know if I missed the notice on that one (I have to believe these two can afford a stylist, can they not?). Oh, and btw, they really need to give that spray-tan thing a try. Maybe they can find out where Cameron Diaz has been getting hers. Just a suggestion

Tori Spelling & Dean McDermott: The celeb bloggers are always giving Tori a hard time (who isn’t these days?!) and reporting on her 49th month of pregnancy (alright, I’ll agree it does seem like this little tot’s has the gestation of, say, an elephant). And last weekend she and Dean had the grand opening of their new inn which is appropriately named after her dog that she carries around all over the place. So pictures of them looked pretty cute in front of the inn, although I must say, I am REALLY tired of looking at them pose with his hand on her belly. I hope they’ve figured out a new pose for after the baby is born (unless she plans on wearing a faux tummy all the time for posing purposes). We get it. She’s knocked up and you’re trying extra hard to rub it in his poor ex-wife’s face. But what stylist on the planet earth told him that the black shirt, black suit look is good? It’s hideous! Here he is wearing a gorgeous tie (which FYI would truly look great on Mr. Monogram if I do say so myself) but good lord, Dean, put on a navy suit with a pale blue button down with French cuffs. Wherever the stylist is who told him that looked good should be shot. Or worse. He should be forced to wear that himself. Ugh.

Kylie Minogue: I don’t get it. Did she sing anything else since Locomotion in the 80’s that I am just not aware of? Because why in the name of REAL celebrity gossip do the paparazzi and all the celeb bloggers waste so much time blogging about her and documenting how fabulous she is. Really? Did I miss a decade of hits by this woman????




Posh & Angelina: I’m throwing these two together because they’re like the sour face sisters of celebrity. WTH? Why can’t these ladies crack a smile every once in a while? Let’s examine this for a second… They’ve got all the money they could ever want, super adorable kids, nannies to help them take care of their kids, super hot significant other’s, and yet they STILL can’t find a reason to smile once in a while. Believe you me, if I had half of the help these ladies have (and half of the wardrobe) ya’ll would see me smiling from ear to ear 24/7. Even at Disneyland, Posh is not only traipsing around in high heels (because don’t we all?), but refuses to smile like she’s god-forbid enjoying herself with her kids. Same thing for Angelina. I never really liked her, but she used to at least have some personality. And while we’re at it, someone needs to feed these two ladies a few Big Mac’s because they are both just wayyyyy too thin.

Howard K. Stern: I get it, okay? I know you loved Anna and you’re trying to “protect” her or whatever that means in your screwed up enabling little world. But she’s dead and you can’t protect her anymore. That probably would have been a better idea while she was alive and doping herself and her unborn baby up. But I’ll let that slide because after all, you have to sleep with that guilt every night. So I’ll just leave you with the one last thing you can really do RIGHT… GIVE UP THAT BABY FOR THE DNA TEST, HOWIE. We allllllllllllllll know it isn’t yours and it’s only a matter of time before Intuition starts selling “Team Birkhead” tees and I for one am lining up for one. Actually you know what? I changed my mind. I’m on “Team Dannilynn” so give that baby up to her real daddy!

Bobby Brown: For all of you who are in the Tabloid Fantasy League with me, I just know you are going to want to hear my conspiracy theory. You know this whole thing about the radio station that bailed him out of jail last week for 20K in exchange that he do their morning show for a week? Well if the name of that morning show (the Kane Show) sounds familiar to you, than it should because that station is one of the leagues we play against in TABFL! See where I’m going with this??? So I went to their website, and they even had this whole thing about how Bobby Brown screwed them over on their home page, blah blah blah. Then yesterday there were reports that Bobby paid them back the 20K for failing to do their radio show and everything was cool. And NOW, TMZ is reporting that Bobby said the station lied and they never paid a dime of his bail and the whole thing was made up (blah blah blah). Long story short, I THINK THEY ARE TRYING TO CHEAT AT TABFL AND PREDICT COVERS BY GETTING THEMSELVES ON COVERS AND GETTING HIGHER SCORES!!! I’m just sayin’…


So feel free to vent away today…

19 Comments:

not a wife said...

absolutely awesome blog. i agree with you wholeheartedly. seems no matter how much money these divas have, they can never manage a smile. and for that matter, they were so damn happy when they were promoting themselves when they first appeared on the scene. remember??? so funny. we make these people famous by buying their cds and going to their movies, and we cant get one damn shot with some teeth!!!!lmao. luv the blog

Melissa said...

Oh I am so with you on the Olsens. I don't get the sucked in face and bug eyed pose and I definitely don't get the bag lady clothes. These two could be so beautiful.

And I'm with you too about the smiling - on Posh especially. I'm starting to wonder if she has bad teeth or something because I don't think I've ever seen them!

Anonymous said...

So, do you have any ideas on how to throw a fabulous steeplechase tailgate? Being that the season is coming up in a matter of days with the Carolina Cup?

Also, totally agree on the Olsen's...they look like little monkeys!

Caroline said...

The Kane Show may have tried to cheat but we beat them pretty bad this week!!!!

sara said...

Tori and her creepy looking husband so get on my nerves. He seems like such a jerk. Posh is just ridiculous, she doesn't even look real. I'm so tired of hearing about how Angelina and Brad are saving the world. They take themselves WAY too seriously!

Lisagh said...

Two words for you m'lady: awe some.

Monogram Momma said...

LOLOLOLOL! You guys are so funny!

And Let me also throw in tha tI am still EXTREMELY troubled by Angelina saying in that interview how she almost resents Shiloh sometimes for being their biological child and automatically having so much. I see a therapists couch in that poor baby girls future!

Melissa said...

Oh MM, I forgot about that interview with Angelina - thats what I should have ranted about. I was absolutely apalled when I read that about resenting Shiloh. How ridiculous.

Fairfax said...

Kylie's big in the UK and Oz, but not here. Also, I'd like to know what the remaining real parts of Posh are... not her boobs, not her face, not her tan... and her hubby's dumber than a doorknob. If you've ever heard him speak, it is horrifying!

Alyssa said...

Here's my rant on your picks:

When the Olsens went anorexic and goth that was the end for them. Good thing they made all that money as pre-teens. I hope they had a great investment advisor.

Tori Spelling and other celebs that are preggers - it seems like the media speculates so far in advance that when they finally do announce they are with child you are already sick of hearing about it. While I admire their entrepreneurship (opening that B&B), I was in hysterics thinking about being a guest. What the hell does she know about running a mini-hotel? Probably about as much as I do.

Kylie is HUGE in Australia but here? Not so much. I don't get it either. She did have cancer and dated that hot guy Oliver Martinez. She also had a couple other songs about 7 years ago but nothing like locomotion :-)

Posh & Angelina: I wish they would eat a truck full of twinkies or fall in Willie Wonka's chocolate river.

ANS: Good God. Where do I begin? Can't wait to hear the "surprise" results of the tox test and of course who the baby daddy is...TEAM BIRKHEAD!

Bobby Brown: He needs to find a new Tenderoni now that Whitney finally woke up and got off the crack. Ohhhhhh, and the Kane Show? Good theory!!!!

Alyssa said...

Whoops...have to add this one for the unofficial/official celeb preggers scoreboard:

Salma Hayek: Pregnancy confirmed; father is fiance Francois-Henri Pinault.

Naomi Watts: Pregnancy confirmed; father is long-term boyfriend, Liev Schrieber.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Pregnancy unconfirmed; "father" is probably husband Freddy Prinze Jr.

Bridget Moynahan: Pregnancy confirmed, father is ex-boyfriend, Tom Brady.

Gisele Bundchen: Pregnancy unconfirmed, the rumored father is none other than her current (short-term) boyfriend...Tom Brady.

Anyone else we should know about???

Kimberly said...

http://www.cafepress.com/buy/smith/-/pv_design_prod/pg_2/p_storeid.111145253/pNo_111145253/id_17873739/opt_/fpt_/c_360/

Head Hen said...

I think they (Posh & AJ) are so unhappy b/c they are HUNGRY. Haven't we all said this before?

Vic has nice teeth, actually. She used to smill all the time as a SPICE, but no longer.

Seeing them makes me want to have a hamburger.

Monogram Momma said...

Alysaa, i did NOT know Salma Hayek was pregnant! I did not see that one coming!!

Thanks for the shirt, Kimba!

And Hen, I just had a cheeseburger in their honor (despite the fact it's FRIDAY)

Kimberly said...

If hadn't eaten in years i might be a bit crabby! Though we all know i won't miss a meal :)

AnastasiaC said...

haha I hear you!!! and totaly agree...
but Kylie (us aussies say Our Kylie) is supertalented!! she is so popular in the USA but is huge over here and huge in the UK/Europe and has had a very successful singing career the past 20years, battled and won breast cancer and has just dumped her cheating boyfriend Olivier Martinez - so go Kylie!!...we love you Kylie!!!

Melissa said...

Ha! You know what is funny - the first time I read this post I skipped right over the Kylie Minogue part, thinking I don't care anything about Kylie Minogue! Then when I came back today I actually read what you wrote about her - so I guess I proved your point exactly!

SLC said...

Re: the Bobby Brown thing, I actually listing to the Kane Show every morning in DC and they did put up his bail. They talked about it for days before it actually happened and it's a shame that they thought that Bobby Brown (the scumbag he is) would actually honor his part of the deal.

I need to get back into the TabFL thing. I've just had too much going on lately.

SLC said...

... I actually LISTEN (not listing). oy, that time change is killin' me.