WARNING: Celebrity Snarkiness Ahead!

I realize it’s been a while since I’ve gotten a little snarky here at Monogram Momma's and talked about some random stuff. So you just happen to be in luck because today is the day I’ve decided to get a few things off my chest. You were probably all starting to wonder if I’d lost my sense of humor while sitting out in the freezing cold registering for pre-school last week. So let me reassure you, that I have not. Now, let me preface and say that I realize these are not earth shattering discussions such as Global warming, VP Dick Cheney or even the fact that today is Osama Bin Laden’s birthday (he is only 50, but I can’t help but wonder why he looks about 70). But none-the-less, in my celebrity gossip loving world, these things are really bothering me as of late.

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen: Can someone please tell me why these two always suck their cheeks in when they’re being photographed? It only makes them look worse. Is that supposed to be sexy? Ditto on the bag lady look they are sporting. Let me know if I missed the notice on that one (I have to believe these two can afford a stylist, can they not?). Oh, and btw, they really need to give that spray-tan thing a try. Maybe they can find out where Cameron Diaz has been getting hers. Just a suggestion

Tori Spelling & Dean McDermott: The celeb bloggers are always giving Tori a hard time (who isn’t these days?!) and reporting on her 49th month of pregnancy (alright, I’ll agree it does seem like this little tot’s has the gestation of, say, an elephant). And last weekend she and Dean had the grand opening of their new inn which is appropriately named after her dog that she carries around all over the place. So pictures of them looked pretty cute in front of the inn, although I must say, I am REALLY tired of looking at them pose with his hand on her belly. I hope they’ve figured out a new pose for after the baby is born (unless she plans on wearing a faux tummy all the time for posing purposes). We get it. She’s knocked up and you’re trying extra hard to rub it in his poor ex-wife’s face. But what stylist on the planet earth told him that the black shirt, black suit look is good? It’s hideous! Here he is wearing a gorgeous tie (which FYI would truly look great on Mr. Monogram if I do say so myself) but good lord, Dean, put on a navy suit with a pale blue button down with French cuffs. Wherever the stylist is who told him that looked good should be shot. Or worse. He should be forced to wear that himself. Ugh.

Kylie Minogue: I don’t get it. Did she sing anything else since Locomotion in the 80’s that I am just not aware of? Because why in the name of REAL celebrity gossip do the paparazzi and all the celeb bloggers waste so much time blogging about her and documenting how fabulous she is. Really? Did I miss a decade of hits by this woman????




Posh & Angelina: I’m throwing these two together because they’re like the sour face sisters of celebrity. WTH? Why can’t these ladies crack a smile every once in a while? Let’s examine this for a second… They’ve got all the money they could ever want, super adorable kids, nannies to help them take care of their kids, super hot significant other’s, and yet they STILL can’t find a reason to smile once in a while. Believe you me, if I had half of the help these ladies have (and half of the wardrobe) ya’ll would see me smiling from ear to ear 24/7. Even at Disneyland, Posh is not only traipsing around in high heels (because don’t we all?), but refuses to smile like she’s god-forbid enjoying herself with her kids. Same thing for Angelina. I never really liked her, but she used to at least have some personality. And while we’re at it, someone needs to feed these two ladies a few Big Mac’s because they are both just wayyyyy too thin.

Howard K. Stern: I get it, okay? I know you loved Anna and you’re trying to “protect” her or whatever that means in your screwed up enabling little world. But she’s dead and you can’t protect her anymore. That probably would have been a better idea while she was alive and doping herself and her unborn baby up. But I’ll let that slide because after all, you have to sleep with that guilt every night. So I’ll just leave you with the one last thing you can really do RIGHT… GIVE UP THAT BABY FOR THE DNA TEST, HOWIE. We allllllllllllllll know it isn’t yours and it’s only a matter of time before Intuition starts selling “Team Birkhead” tees and I for one am lining up for one. Actually you know what? I changed my mind. I’m on “Team Dannilynn” so give that baby up to her real daddy!

Bobby Brown: For all of you who are in the Tabloid Fantasy League with me, I just know you are going to want to hear my conspiracy theory. You know this whole thing about the radio station that bailed him out of jail last week for 20K in exchange that he do their morning show for a week? Well if the name of that morning show (the Kane Show) sounds familiar to you, than it should because that station is one of the leagues we play against in TABFL! See where I’m going with this??? So I went to their website, and they even had this whole thing about how Bobby Brown screwed them over on their home page, blah blah blah. Then yesterday there were reports that Bobby paid them back the 20K for failing to do their radio show and everything was cool. And NOW, TMZ is reporting that Bobby said the station lied and they never paid a dime of his bail and the whole thing was made up (blah blah blah). Long story short, I THINK THEY ARE TRYING TO CHEAT AT TABFL AND PREDICT COVERS BY GETTING THEMSELVES ON COVERS AND GETTING HIGHER SCORES!!! I’m just sayin’…


So feel free to vent away today…